oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?