ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
You Might Also Like
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Alexa: *deep breath*
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.