[walks into 4D ultrasound office]
Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women
Me: I just want to see my burrito again
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You Might Also Like
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.