Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
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You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.