Always leave the cult better than you found it.
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Every haunted house movie:
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.