Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”