@DanteEvilCat

“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…

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@Vodkantots

Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.

@junejuly12

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

@FreckleMcPickle

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

@ssholeEric

Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”

@MarfSalvador

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

@slotjunkierose

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@MuhamdIr

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

@GroovyTasia

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday