Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
“Always leave them wanting more” is my new mantra when paying bills…
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Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:
A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday