Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES