Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?


You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.


[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah


A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics


Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.


Murderer: I want to kill you
Me: No I’m against that
Politician who’s above partisan rancor: This is stressing me out, could you guys put your differences aside and come together…for our country,


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.