jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Does anyone else start hearing the Jumanji drum sound right before their kids come home from school?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.