Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.