Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You Might Also Like
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.