I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
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Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.