my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search