My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
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Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*