Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.