Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
💻🤡
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.