My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?
My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.