@shopkins776

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

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@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@ch000ch

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

@ItsAndyRyan

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

@Sassafrantz

Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”

@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

@TheAlexNevil

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet