@bazlyons

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

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@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

@jacaristar

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@TheOnion

Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.