‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

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Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.


Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.


My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.


My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’


Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.


*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.