‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
We’ve all been there
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding