Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
*Dating a Jealous dude*
Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.