‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.