@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the cartoon pie luring you to a stranger’s windowsill with those little aroma lines

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@JerpsBerps

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

@dmndstarpotato

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

@SortaBad

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

@funflaps

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep