Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
#oldknees
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Kids, do not try this at home!