Always the camel, never the toe.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
this is the best interaction on twitter
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*