My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
You Might Also Like
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
can’t talk my ride’s here
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*