My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
You Might Also Like
[christmas lights are being put up]
Every moth ever: oh hell yeah
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it’s a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.
[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Taken and straight: 15%
Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale