@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

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@DaddyJew

My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani

@ajax06

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

@SamuelHLowe

Aliens must know that we’re an easily conquerable race if they’ve ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.

@DepecheALAmode

I want to get married just so I can throw my wedding ring in anger. I bet it’s a lot cooler than aggressively untying a friendship bracelet.

@Sassafrantz

[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.

@Phlegmingway

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

@charliedelta7

Hot girls on Twitter:
Single and straight: 3%
Lesbians: 12%
Taken and straight: 15%
Men: 70%

@ChrisRRegan

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?

@chuuew

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale