Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.