Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
spicy snake
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Okay, I’m still confused…
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.