*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.