Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.