Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up