Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
White Castle for the Win
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please