“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.