“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
this is the greatest thing ever
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.