Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.