Always 馃ゴ
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WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Friend: I鈥檓 not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO鈥橲 CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid鈥檚 bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
You’ll be OK
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Wife: please don鈥檛 let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it鈥檚 fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn鈥檛 you?