@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

You Might Also Like

@aissalanis

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*

@underrateDad

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.

@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

@skitzoette

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

@LostFelicia

I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.

@LionJenkins

Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.

@ramblinma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

@justmiche74

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

@arcadeseals

[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?