Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.


Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?


How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.


I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.


Lawyer: Your Honor, this verdict is bullshit. I’m outta here!
Judge: Litigator!
Lawyer: After a while crocodile.


Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…


We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?