I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.
I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.
I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”