@brandonIee

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

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@jackiembouvier

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

@JB4Realz

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

@senderblock23

Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@tomipuff

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

@rickolantern

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

@dreadnaught69

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

@JJSummertime

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”