We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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Lucky old June.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.
My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”
[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas