am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.


Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.


I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.


No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.


This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.


[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted


Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.


1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark