@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

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@CulturedRuffian

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

@idigcrazychics

Easiest way to break into a moble home in a trailer park is to use a can opener.

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@RdrJay47

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

@slytherinstef

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

@The_Grant_Boldt

Girlfriend: “babe it’s hot I need a fan”

[Boyfriend starts taking pictures with her and BEGGING for autographs]

@daddydoubts

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

@david8hughes

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas