@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

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@13spencer

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

@nappydolemite

This website is free. It only costs you your mental health and you weren’t doing anything with that anyway.

@_elvishpresley_

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

@GrowlyGrego

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

@KenJennings

ANIMALS IT’S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA
1. Mosquitoes
2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR
3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark