Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@matt___nelson

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

@Ygrene

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@The_Albinoshrek

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

@sixfootcandy

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

@foodfacenow

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@lanyardigan

Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad

@notmythirdrodeo

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me