ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Love this one 😂🧟
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
OH. COME. ON.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit