Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

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Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”


Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”


Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business


Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case


[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.


Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁


Most of us get into advertising for the money. Me? I’ve just always had a passion for making people feel bad


cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me