Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.