If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
one last job
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW