she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.
But a Pepsi drinker…
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Pretty cool how your dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course”
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED