@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

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@susie_qsie

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@StewieTea2

If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.

You’re now their prom date!

@kiel_phillips

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

@lmegordon

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

@McNevich

Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math

@evildadatron

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW