am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Well, shit
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)