Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I only eat vegetarians.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor