Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks


Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.


I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.


Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”


My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.


No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)


My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.