@LoveNLunchmeat

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

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@jimelliott5000

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@LoveNLunchmeat

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

@Writethatdown12

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

@Slims_Ramblings

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.

@SCbchbum

Overheard a teenager watching Armageddon for the 1st time (after Bruce Willis blows up): “lol at least the hot one lived (Ben Affleck).”

@Jarhead44

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

@xhellwifex

No YOU’RE the stalker.

(I write on your work bathroom mirror in blood)

@Awesomemom10

My 9yo son just gave me a hug and told me thank you for not naming him Dick.