I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Lmfaoooooo
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk