Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I missed you with all my darts
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I’ve had worse
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon