Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
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Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.