Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Squirrels before girls.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Me recordaron éste meme
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”