Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
god making serotonin for me
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.