@martinMmorrow

Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

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@ceejoyner

Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.

@AKATriple

So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@PineapplePtart

Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.

@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

@Tups13

The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.