Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

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Pick up artists and garbage men should switch names.


So apparently it’s rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they’ll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it…


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


Be careful, newbies. Twitter changes you. I used to be Puerto Rican, now I’m Irish.


“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.


The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.