@martinMmorrow

Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

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@jordan_stratton

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

@Laser_Cat

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

@sheseemslegit

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

@WheelTod

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

@difficultpatty

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

@PinkCamoTO

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

@shegotagronk

Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.