Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?


If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.


Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.


Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!


[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.


Me: *washing car with son*
Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”


Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.


Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.