am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
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I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
oh my gosh!!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.