Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants