Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
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My neck, my back, my…
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
😍😂🥰😂😍
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”