My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
No Google it does not
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Jurassic park gets weird
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”