@Ms612

Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, “How could you do this to me” and then runs off crying?

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@jonnysun

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

@Token_Geezer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for. nnNow, I don’t even walk into the right room

@allisulli

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

@John_M15

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

@Herbs1996

Hate when older people say “you’re too young to be tired” alright Margret you’re too old to be alive but here we are