“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?