Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
set yourself free xox
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there